Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
