Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
