Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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