i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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