my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize