quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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