The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
