My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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