I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Randomize
