the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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