I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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