he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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