this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
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