She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
