So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
pray to the hookup gods
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
