After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
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The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
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He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
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