Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
