genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
