It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
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