What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
