Nicole vs. Life
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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