will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
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