i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
