i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
