omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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