if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
