So drunk its hurt
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
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How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
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When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm experimenting with sincerity