if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
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You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
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Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.