I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
