I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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