I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
He did a backflip because drugs
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