chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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