i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
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Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
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When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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