I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
this beer tastes like vomit already
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
