i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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