overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
