I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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