sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment