I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy