Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Buhtt sex?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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