Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
