im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
