I haven't been this sober since birth.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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