Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i'm watching degrassi (go figure) and the episode is about jimmy not being able to get a boner and now he's famous and rapping about popping pussies..i dont get it.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
