My sheets look like a crime scene.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Randomize
