I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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