You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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