my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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