i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
