I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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