No awkward lesbian experiences without me
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
sarcasm needs its own font
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
