I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
