Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
