I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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