Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
