I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
wrigley field is MILF paradise
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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